the time to be alive is now....

hi, its 8.30 pm, just back from work, well left quite early today cos i had a bit of an upset tummy, big sis zhara* picked me up and we spent time at the mall, grocery shopping,had to take a picture for the companys website(i told you i'm pretty), they want me to brighten up their page...had pancakes(butter and sugar)that just kills me...i picked a pack of junks cakes and all that i know i'm not going to eat...thats the disadvantage of shopping when hungry.
life...uhm...i've done some terrible things that i hate myself for, things no one would expect of me, things that my calm innocence has sheilded the truth about me away from people. they were all one time mistakes, things that happened in the blink of an eye, things i'm sure others see as so normal, but not my family, not my God and certainly not myself. i come from a family where we are thought about modesty and given a free reign to do as we please according to the doctrine we've been thought....i was good at that for a while, then i lost my virginity...oopsy!that was the begigning of my "screw ups" not like i was so in love with the person i gave it up to, i wasnt, but he was such a sweet soul, although i never had anything much to say to him, i was 19, in my third year in uni...after that episode, i hated myself and i kept myself away from all the hassles of sex...it wasnt as enjoyeable as all the books made it sound, rather drab, but what if it wasnt? what if the problem was me?maybe i was frigid?althoug he kept panting how wonderful i was,especially with the bj...so the second him came by,i had known him for years and he had been toasting me since forever, wouldnt take no for an answer and i decieded...'what the hell, i'll sleep with him and he'll leave me alone, isnt that what guys love, hit and run, the thrill of the chase, be the guy to sleep with pretty miss high and mighty i'm too good to date any of you guys around me'... but it still was the same, my first time with him, i kept wishing for him to be up and done as soon as possible... he said he loved it... i hated it, i decieded i was frigid all right, but rather than drive him away, the sex pulled him in deeper, i mean he was the super playboy who had had every girl there is to be had, and he enjoyed IT with me? i was celibate for another one year plus, and we did it again after a drunk night, i felt my first stirring of orgasm and then again and again, untill we started dating and i became unfrigid....i hate myself for it, sex with tim* was so predictable, i always knew what was going to happen next, but then he did it for me, knowing i hated the acrobatic stuffs, i wanted to do more, and so i met tan*, we started with kisses that really sent me wow....so passionate, so deep so sexy, we'd tease till we finally went the whole nine yards....acrobatics and all, i loved it, i wouldnt let tim touch me for a while after that, i didnt want to spoil the memory...they think me strange cos i don't like them going head on me, i mean thousands of girls die for it, i don't, and when i let them there, i have to make all this funny sounds just to make them feel good that i'm actually enjoying it...bullshit.
so i hate myself for having sex, thats the whole point of the story, i want to be that sweet little girl who i was, intact with my innocence, i want to be like my sisters....i want to unsex myself and wait for that special day with my husband...
all the sex just exposes you to a certain decree of unwholesomeness, i know i love sex now, but i dont sleep around... i slept with a much older man once, it was foolish of me, but like i said, sometimes i do things that are not me in any way and i wonder how and why...like i'm possessed or something, it was without protection, i mean in this time and age, how stupid could i have been? now i'm worried, that maybe i've got hiv.you can never be so sure, its easy to put myself out of my misery, go for a test and rest my mind, but i can't for two years i've worried, i've felt worthless, i felt angry, i've felt dirty...i need to know, i wish i could come clean with my family that i've had sex with four people, that i'm scared i've infected myself, i need someone trust worthy to hold my hands as i go for the test, i keep thinking if he was stupid enough to go without protection, then how many other girls out there has he been careless with?...its all good, i know all is well, all shall be well and all manner of things will be well...aw...now you know how pathetic my life is, not even my closest friends know this bit of my life....well, except for fantasy queen, shes one of me, the one who i feel knows me almost as much as i know myself.
i need to know where i stand so i can live, cos the time to be alive is now....now thats just one of my screw ups...